WASHINGTON — Mere hours after temporary 10 percent global tariffs reached their 150-day legal expiration limit this July, the administration announced a staggering coincidence: a sudden global human rights crisis that requires an identical 10 to 12.5 percent tariff to resolve.

The new levies, implemented citing "forced labor" under Section 301 of the Trade Act of 1974, seamlessly replace the expired Section 122 tariffs. Those temporary measures had been hastily implemented to replace the administration's initial "Liberation Day" tariffs, which the Supreme Court struck down in February for exceeding presidential authority and necessitating tens of billions in refunds.

"This action will correct what is both a human rights abuse and distortive trade practice to improve the welfare of workers everywhere," said a spokesperson for the US Trade Representative, reading a statement drafted shortly after independent trade experts warned the administration they needed a new legal reason to keep the levies active.

When asked about the flawless timeline of the transition between legal pretexts, officials denied that the continuous tariff regime was merely a political tool to maintain their "America First" agenda ahead of a major election cycle.

At press time, administration lawyers were reportedly reviewing remaining chapters of the 1974 Trade Act to determine which global crisis they plan to care deeply about the moment these tariffs face their next legal challenge.