CHANDIGARH — Following a thirty-year study into the revolutionary concept of cleaning one's teeth, the Postgraduate Institute of Medical Education and Research (PGIMER) has officially recommended that India’s crippling dental caries burden could be solved if children simply brushed their teeth under the watchful eye of an underpaid geography teacher.

The report, which comes at a time when nearly 70% of the Indian population suffers from oral health issues, suggests that the state could save billions in future restorative costs by shifting the financial burden of preventative care onto the six-year-olds currently attending government primary schools.

"The modalities are quite simple," explained a senior health official, while adjusting a file that had been sitting in the 'Pending' tray since the 1993 National Oral Health Policy draft. "By implementing a supervised brushing program, we can eliminate the need for expensive dental equipment, clinics, or actual dentists. We are essentially replacing a multi-crore healthcare infrastructure with a plastic cup and a 45-minute lecture on plaque."

When asked about the provision of toothpaste and brushes for the estimated 1.2 million government schools in the country, the official noted that the "modalities of procurement are being worked out in a phased manner," which sources confirm is bureaucratic shorthand for 'the children must bring their own from home.'

Critics point out that the PGI Oral Health Sciences Centre has been conducting similar 'pilot projects' across 150 schools in Raipur Rani and Chandigarh for three decades, a period during which the national cavity rate has remained stubbornly above 50%. However, authorities remain optimistic that this time the advice will be followed, despite many rural schools still awaiting the arrival of the 'running water' component of the brushing ritual.

"We are looking at a Smiling Bharat," said a spokesperson from the Records Division. "If we can just get every child to stand in a line and move their hands in a circular motion for two minutes, we can successfully offset the massive systemic failure of our public dental infrastructure. It is the ultimate low-cost intervention: it costs the government nothing, and we get to keep the data."

At the time of press, a new committee was being constituted to decide whether the state-mandated toothbrushing should occur before or after the mid-day meal, with a final report expected to be tabled sometime in the mid-2030s.