April 2026
Records of all conditions improvements for April 2026, maintained in perpetuity.
- Anti-Terror Squad That Raided 21 Locations Baffled by Man With Unsupervised Internet Access
- Board Unveils Official bse.ap.gov.in Results Portal, Begs Students To Use WhatsApp Instead
- Government Reminds Migrants Contributing Billions That Fleeing Gang Violence Was Only a Temporary Arrangement
- State Greets 11 Deportees Who Paid Rs 1 Crore to Flee Its Job Market
- DOJ Announces Second Attempt to Jail President's Rival After Firing Uncooperative Attorney General
- Election Commission's AI Surveillance Flawlessly Records State's Traditional Crude Bomb Attacks in High Definition
- India's 'Light Touch' AI Regulation Now Prepares for AI That Even Its Creators Don't Understand
- Intelligence Agencies Mobilized After $1 Cryptocurrency Purchase Paralyzes 40 Schools and High Courts
- Party Leader Puts On Sneakers, Assumes 8 Million First-Time Voters Are Entirely Superficial
- Prime Minister Pledges to Rescue "Crying" Citizens From Party They Just Gave 29 Seats
- Brand Unveils 'Accessible' ₹5.5 Lakh Entry-Level Bike To Compete With ₹3.67 Lakh Rivals
- Government Links 33% Women’s Quota to Map Redrawing That Conveniently Benefits Its Northern Base
- Minister Behind 'Trump Tower' Demands Eradication of Foreign Names From 98-Year-Old Hospital
- Network Cuts 27 Minutes From President's Interview Following $16 Million 'Deceptive Editing' Settlement
- Oil Companies Demand Rs 1 Crore Upfront, Blame Ensuing Fuel Crisis on 'Panic Buying'
- Opera House Bleeding €140,000 Defends Giving Toscanini’s Former Post to Ruling Party Ally
- President Declares Nation Dictating $110-A-Barrel Oil Prices Is In State Of Total Collapse
- State Defends Invoking 'Public Safety Act' Against Legislator Who Criticized Deputy Commissioner
- Court Forced to Clarify Husband's Sister Is Not His Second Wife After 28-Year Marriage
- Government Combats Lightning Deaths By Increasing Posthumous Compensation From ₹4 Lakh to ₹5 Lakh
- Government Demolishes Madrasa Months After Investigating Beneficiary Who Drew Salary For 4 Years As UK Citizen
- Military Baffled As 'Unknown Gunmen' Tragically Assassinate 30th High-Profile Terrorist Commander
- Police Officer With Rs 7.5 Crore Cash Still Bothering To Extort Rs 5 Lakh
- Prime Minister Orders 'Vigorous Attacks' to Protect Integrity of Ongoing Ceasefire Efforts
- Anti-Defection Law Clarifies Buying One MP Is Illegal, But Acquiring 7 Out Of 10 Is A Completely Legal Merger
- Bank Excludes Rs 590 Crore Fraud From Balance Sheet To Announce 145% Profit Growth
- Nation Boasting 7.4% Growth Puzzled as Foreigners Pull $12.7 Billion in Single Month to Buy AI Stocks Elsewhere
- Official With Rs 7.36 Crore Cash and 26 Luxury Watches Commended for Highly Organized Middleman Infrastructure
- Officials Praise 'New Sovereignty Model' As Rebel Alliance Launches Coordinated Attacks Across 1,500 Kilometers
- Testing Agency Discovers Lucrative Revenue Stream in Charging Students Rs 200 to Correct Its Errors
- 115-Page Order Rejects Former CM's 12 Bias Grounds After Prior Reliefs Granted
- Country That Blockaded 27 Vessels Says Peace Talks Dependent On Other Side Negotiating In 'Good Faith'
- Election Commission Chief Promises 'Violence-Free' West Bengal Polls For The Fifth Consecutive Election
- IMD Issues Annual 'It's Going to Be Hotter This Year' Forecast, Citizens Respond with Annual 'Oh, Really?'
- MLA Whose Son Rammed Five People Dares Police: 'Does This District Belong To Your Daddy?'
- Nation's Top Security Advisor Visits Region for Fourth Time This Year to Discuss 'Peace' That Keeps Oil Flowing
- 'No Voter Left Behind' Commission Deletes 27 Lakh Over 'Impossible' Family Age Gaps
- Special Court Commends Police for Admitting to False Testimony, Calls it 'Progress Towards Transparency'
- Elected Official Donates 15 Minutes of Nodding to Neighborhood That Just Built Its Own Civic Infrastructure
- Government Replaces Delayed Infrastructure Funds With Record Allocation of 'Self-Respect'
- Historic Ceasefire Holds as Rival Navies Peacefully Maintain Competing Blockades Around 600 Trapped Commercial Ships
- Officials Unveil State-of-the-Art Command Center to Watch Rural Taps Run Dry in Real Time
- State Apparatus Mobilized as Deputy Chief Minister Battles Cough Acquired at Own Movie Promotion
- Accused No. 39 Denies Family Involvement in Liquor Scam That Put Accused No. 38 in Jail
- Government With 611 Sailors Trapped in War Zone Confident 'Strongly Urging' Armed Militias Will Clear Waterway
- President Who Posted AI Image of Himself as Jesus Formally Clarifies Catholic Doctrine for Pope
- State With 13 Lakh Acres of Encroached Land Celebrates Securing 5-Acre Plot With Tin Signboard
- Centre Confirms States That Successfully Implemented Family Planning Will Now Be Punished With Political Irrelevance
- Government Automates $166 Billion Tariff Refund to Corporations Who Already Passed Cost to Consumers
- Historic Women's Empowerment Bill Adds 307 Parliament Seats So Absolutely Zero Men Have to Give Up Theirs
- Maritime Insurers Secure 1,500% Premium Increase After Official Points Menacingly at 33-Kilometer Puddle
- Party Confirms Basic Human Rights Like Jobs And Safety Require 'Double Engine' Subscription
- Traffic Department Defeats Commuter Death Toll by Handing Out 50 Helmets and Asking 8-Year-Olds to Be Careful
- U.S. Confirms Its Jurisdiction Includes Australian Citizens Doing Things In South Africa In 2012
- Government Confirms Rs 2 Lakh Industrial Death Rate Remains Unchanged, Applicable Immediately Upon Condolence Tweet
- Opposition Leader Who Did Nothing About Mullaperiyar for Five Years Asks Farmers Why They Would Re-Elect Party That Did Nothing About Mullaperiyar for Five Years
- States That Controlled Their Population to Be Rewarded With 39 Fewer Lok Sabha Seats Than States That Did Not, Centre Confirms Process Is Fair
- Treasury Secretary Who Will Not Pay $100-a-Barrel Oil Prices Confirms Amount of Pain Worth Bearing Is Slightly More Than Whatever It Currently Is
- Two Countries That Never Ratified the Maritime Law Treaty Announce Competing Blockades of Waterway Governed by That Treaty
- Vice President, Whose Wife Is Daughter of Indian Immigrants, Confirms Immigrant Contribution Is Real and Good, Just Not for Any Future Immigrants
- City Whose Metro Land Acquisition Was Declared Complete in 2013 Begins Acquiring Land for Metro
- FIR Filed Against Brigadier's Attackers 45 Hours After Assault Witnessed by Policemen Who Were Also Present
- Government Implements Historic Women's Reservation by Adding Seats for Women Without Removing Any Seats from Men, Sources Confirm
- Lebanon Offers to Negotiate Disarmament of Group It Has Tried and Failed to Disarm Three Times in 16 Months
- Man in White Robes Emitting Divine Light While Healing the Sick Insists Image Has Nothing to Do With Jesus
- State Police That Reports to TMC Government Fails to Act on TMC Disruption of Opposition Campaign for Third Consecutive Election; Commission Seeks Report
- TVK Candidate Pays Rs 50,000 Per Day for Holographic Leader Who Costs Less to Operate Than the Mannequin Did in Dignity
- West Celebrates Hungary's Democracy Restoration, Led by Man Who Spent Two Decades Inside the System He Just Replaced
- Administration That Holds Pentagon Prayer Services in Name of Jesus Christ Concerned Pope Is Mixing Religion and Politics
- AIADMK Leader Flanked by Three Different Ideologies Explains That Ideology Is Permanent
- Committee Formed to Publicly Display Exactly How Little LPG Is Left in Karnataka
- Ministry That Failed to Teach 50% of Class 5 to Read Launches AI Syllabus Requiring Students to Read
- Nation Spends 53% of Higher Education Budget to Ensure 3% of Students Can Afford Regular Coffee in Toronto
- Nation That Spent 16 Years Building Unbreakable Authoritarian Machine Surprised to Find Someone Else Now Holds the Keys
- Pentagon Confirms Latest Successful Strike on Boat That Most Likely Would Have Had Drugs in it Eventually
- Trump Confirms 'Numerous Countries' Have Joined Hormuz Coalition; All Countries Confirm They Have Not
- Election Commission Successfully Streamlines Democracy by Deleting 91 Lakh Voters Too Distracting for Final Tally
- Nation Currently Without Electricity Confirms Political System Powered by 1959 Ideology Not Up for Negotiation
- Police Task Force Formed to Find Person Who Filmed Delivery Agent Having Public Mental Breakdown Instead of Investigating Mental Breakdown
- President Complains Nation He 'Decimated' for Five Weeks Is Doing 'Very Poor Job' of Running Its Own Infrastructure
- 14-Day Ceasefire Successfully Moves War from 'Active Combat' to 'Semantics' as Rockets Fall in Non-Participating Zones
- Karnataka Voters Head to Polls to Formally Notarize Transfer of Assembly Seats to Deceased MLAs’ Children
- President Who Launched Unannounced War Shocked to Find Allies Didn't Pre-Position Frigates in His Imagination
- Rs 1,250-per-Month Democracy Enters Final Bidding Phase as 2.5 Crore Voters Invited to Choose Their Preferred Cash-Transfer Brand
- U.S. Clarifies Ceasefire Only Applies to Countries Not Currently Being Bombed into the Stone Age
- Anthropic Determines AI Model Too Dangerous for Public is Perfectly Safe for JPMorgan Chase
- Assam Government Solves 100% of District’s Problems by Deleting 50% of Its Legislative Seats
- Civilization-Ending Apocalypse Postponed for 14 Days to Allow for Filing of Relevant Paperwork
- Historic Uniform Civil Code Paused as State’s Bedroom-Monitoring Software Stuck at 4% Installation
- Ministry Suggests South Indian Drivers Simply Switch to More Expensive Petrol Until Diverted LPG Ships Find Their Way Out of Gujarat
- U.S. Officials Who Raised Tariffs to 18% Conclude 'Fruitful' Meeting to Discuss How Much More India Can Afford
- World Relieved to Learn Global Civilization Now Only 88 Minutes Away from Total Obliteration at Any Given Time
- Anti-Defacement Squad Successfully Reclaims 4 Square Inches of Public Wall Following Removal of 35,000 Posters
- Congress Veteran Proposes Radical Strategy of Noticing People Exist Between Election Cycles
- IIMs Successfully 'Recalibrate' 100% of Students into Same Three Consulting Firms as 2004
- President Promises Nation 8 P.M. Tuesday Will Be ‘Bridge Day’ and ‘Power Plant Day’ in Iran Following Successful Focus Group Testing
- Rs 1,273 Crore RTO Celebrates Becoming India’s 3rd Most Profitable Bureaucracy Despite Minor Setback of Being Raided for Massive Corruption
- UN Security Council Successfully Replaces 'Military Force' With 'Sternly Worded Defensive Gestures' in Blockade Resolution
- 7% Employment Rate Successfully Maintained for 30% of Population Despite 50 Years of Aggressive Election Campaigning
- Chief Minister Holding 100% of State Cabinet Portfolios Explains She Has 0% Power Over 3-Hour Siege of Judges
- Minister Threatens to Strike City 1,600km Away Using Only the Power of a Sialkot Press Club Microphone
- Minister Who Has 100% of His Food Cooked Offers 20% of Necessary Gas to People Who Make Living Cooking Food
- President Declares War ‘Very Complete, Pretty Much’ While Threatening to Bomb Every Remaining Bridge in Iran
- U.S. Proposes 45-Day Ceasefire to Iran After Successful 48-Hour Rejection Earlier This Week
- City Officials Shocked That Shopkeepers Prefer Having Shops Over Not Having Shops
- Dictionary Manufacturers Struggle to Keep Up as Bengal CM Exhausts 47th Synonym for ‘Dangerous’
- Germany Reassures Men Under 45 They Are Totally Free to Leave the Country After Asking Permission First
- Government Assures Supreme Court It Only Arrests Comedians Who Aren't Actually Funny
- Government Proudly Extends Free Electricity to Farmers Who Still Don’t Own Any Machines
- Government Successfully Files and Indexes Deep-Sea Creatures Before They Are Accidentally Disrupted by Blue Economy
- ICE Successfully Thwarts Global Terrorism by Detaining Two Women Related to Man Assassinated Five Years Ago
- Junior Partner Insists on Keeping Own Symbol So Voters Can Accurately Identify Who Has No Power
- NASA Spends $4 Billion to Ensure Billionaires Are Not Only People Taking Photos of Things They Can’t Touch
- Nehru Place Man Discovers Technology That Doesn't Require 45-Minute Firmware Update Before Printing
- President Assures Nation Iran Is 100% Defeated While Threatening to Bomb It for Another Three Weeks
- Rs 100 Crore Temple Master Plan Announced During Meeting to Ensure Temples Remain Non-Political
- Rs 30 Lakh Degree Holders Told to Practice 'Inner Stillness' Before Starting 100-Hour Work Weeks
- Small Party Leader Explains That Legally Ceasing to Exist Is a Small Price for Winning One Seat
- U.S. Offers Iran Choice Between 48-Hour Peace Deal or Slightly Louder 48-Hour Deadline
- Election Commission Searches for Candidate with Absolutely No Friends to Serve as Returning Officer
- Family That Has Only Won Baramati 8 Times In A Row Nervous About 9th Attempt
- Government Proposes Solving Rs 50,000 Crore Dental Crisis by Telling Children to Buy a Toothbrush
- Government Successfully Sends Very Angry Letters to Billionaires Mentioned in 2016 News Reports
- Government That Stole Your Buffalo Returns One Leg, Expects Thank You Note
- Military Leader Who Postponed Elections by Five Years Suggests Citizens Just 'Forget' Concept of Voting Entirely
- NASA Confirms Earth Still Round, Blue, and Completely Unaware of $42 Billion Camera Trip
- Orban Confident 15-Point Lead for Opposition Will Result in Narrow 2/3 Majority for Himself
- Pentagon Confirms Downed F-15 Was Merely Testing Integrity of Iran’s ‘Non-Existent’ Air Defenses
- Pentagon Optimistic Search for One Missing Pilot Only Costing Three Additional Aircraft So Far
- Premier High Court to Strengthen Accountability by Re-Inaugurating Transparency Tool It Turned Off in 2023
- Smart City Project Finally Achieves 100% Efficiency by Routing Rs 83 Crore Directly to Banker’s Driver
- University Celebrates 100 Years of Academic Excellence by Asking Students to Cook for Free
- UP CM Explains That Roads Are Primarily For Walking, Unless 66 Crore People Need to Stand on Them
- Board That Can’t Stop Paper Leaks Successfully Delivers 1987 Pop Hit to 1.6 Million Math Students
- Defense Secretary Authorizes 2,000 Troops to Carry Weapons in City Where Crime Is Already at 30-Year Low
- Election Commission Successfully Disposes of 52 Lakh Voters Who Were Using Up Valuable Space on List
- Former PM Who Banned Social Media Discovers Judicial Remand Also Works Offline
- Government Raises Milk Prices for Fourth Time to Ensure Farmers Can Afford to Feed Cows Raising Milk Prices
- Government Urges Citizens to View Lukewarm, Expensive Beer as Vital Contribution to Strategic Autonomy
- Man Whose Entire Career Is Built on Scripts Promises to Be Only Candidate Not Following One
- Ministry Solving LPG Shortage by Suggesting Autos Try Using More Expensive Fuel They Don't Have
- NASA Finally Grants Astronauts Permission to Leave Earth’s Driveway After 25-Hour Life Support Vibe Check
- Nation Spends $93 Billion to Send Four People to Place We Already Visited in 1972
- Pentagon Reassures Sleepless Iranians That Their Insomnia Is a Vital Component of Their Liberation
- President Describes 'Lovely Stay' in Iran, Promises to Finish Trip by Obliterating Everyone's Electricity
- President Trump Optimistic That Doubling Cost of Medicine Will Make It More Affordable
- Trump Fired Attorney General for Doing Tremendous Job He Is Increasingly Frustrated by
- UN Security Council to Vote on Whether Explosions in Strait of Hormuz Should Be Rebranded as ‘Defensive Navigation’
- Upper-Caste Book Club Confident 4th Annual Reading of 'Annihilation of Caste' Will Fix Everything by May
- Election Commission Successfully Protects Democracy by Banning Voters from Standing Near It
- Government Assures Thalambur Residents That New Global Sports City Will Feature World-Class Underwater Hockey Facilities
- Government Resolves 6-Year Smartphone Delay by Giving 2020 Handsets to Teachers Who Didn't Ask for Them
- Government Successfully Protects Sensitive Coal Plants from Feeling Bullied by Solar Energy
- Government Thrilled by 'Renewed Public Interest' in Piped Gas After Successfully Making LPG Impossible to Find
- India Reassured That Global Oil Crisis Will Continue Until Both Sides Finish Destroying Each Other’s Water
- Israel Expands 'Buffer Zone' to Include Any Land Currently Not Under Its Direct Administration
- Man Who Called Partner 'Political Cancer' For 20 Years Thrilled to Begin Lifelong Honeymoon Phase
- Nation Relieved as $2 Billion Rocket Successfully Replicates Technology Developed in 1968
- Nation’s Most Efficient Spirit-Breaking Exercise Begins as JEE Main Session 2 Goes Live
- President Assures Nation Iran War Is 100% Finished Besides the Fighting and the Dying
- President Confirms 48 Iranian Leaders 'Gone in One Shot,' Expects 49th to Be Very Cooperative
- Rupee Sprints Boldly Backward to 93.53 as RBI Rebrands Freefall as 'Controlled Descent'
- Tech Corridor Resident Celebrates 15th Year of 'Upcoming' Piped Water from Rs 2.5 Crore Balcony
- U.S. Determines Venezuelan Official No Longer 'Undermining Democracy' Following Successful Kidnapping of Her Boss
- Defense Minister Clarifies That 'Temporary' Security Zone Is Only Temporary Until It Becomes a Permanent Border
- Education Ministry Announces New Academic Session Will Consist of Three Tuesdays and a Thursday
- Elon Musk Successfully Achieves 100% Reduction in Misinformation During Three-Hour Outage
- Government Clarifies Liquor Only Becomes ‘Nuisance’ Once All Political Affiliates Have Finished Collecting Their Cut
- Government Proudly Maintains Domestic Gas Prices as Restaurants Successfully Transition back to the Stone Age
- Kingdom Proudly Intercepts 4,000th Iranian Drone Intended for Country 1,200 Kilometers Away
- Minister Assures Nation of 'Stable Gas Supply' for Anyone With an Extra Rs 214 and No Desire to Eat
- Ministry Rebrands Choking Smoke as 'Artisanal Indoor Cloud Experience' to Address LPG Shortage
- Nation With 88% Oil Dependence Noted for Sturdy Economic Foundation Built Entirely on Other People’s Oceans
- Nation’s Invisible Poor Thank Photographer for Moving Them from Actual Shadows to High-Contrast Artistic Ones
- State Department ‘Closely Tracking’ Kidnapped Journalist With Same Intensity Used to Track Previous 400 Warnings to Leave Iraq
- State With Rs 8 Lakh Crore Debt Promises to Buy Everyone a New Toaster
- Supreme Court Rejects 40-Year-Old Property Claim After Determining Plaintiff Failed to Stay Immortal Enough