KOLKATA — The Election Commission of India (ECI) announced Thursday that it has expanded its recruitment search for the Bhabanipur constituency to include Himalayan ascetics and individuals currently in long-term witness protection, following allegations that the current Returning Officer once shared a corridor with a member of the opposition.

The move comes after the Trinamool Congress filed a formal complaint against Surajit Roy, a 2011-batch officer, alleging he is ‘widely known’ to be associated with BJP leader Suvendu Adhikari. The party expressed 'credible apprehensions' that Roy’s previous tenure as a Block Development Officer in Nandigram—where he was forced by the nature of his job to interact with local politicians—renders him a compromised operative.

"The ideal Returning Officer should be a void," said an ECI official speaking on condition of anonymity while filing a 400-page report on the neutrality of water. "We are looking for a candidate who has no family, no former colleagues, no social media presence, and preferably, no memory of West Bengal’s political history since the mid-1970s."

Sources indicate the Commission is currently vetting a 54-year-old lighthouse keeper from the Andaman Islands, though concerns have already been raised by local party cadres that the candidate once waved at a passing ship that may have been carrying BJP-aligned coal.

In a letter to the Chief Election Commissioner, Rajya Sabha MP Derek O’Brien noted that Roy’s current designation as Additional Director of Land Records was 'suspiciously specific,' suggesting that any officer who understands how land works in West Bengal is inherently biased against those trying to win it.

"We demand a neutral, senior officer with no perceived political affiliation," the letter stated, requesting a person who has spent the last decade in a sensory deprivation tank to ensure they cannot be influenced by the sight of a saffron scarf or a twin-flower symbol.

At press time, the ECI was reportedly considering a proposal to replace all human Returning Officers with a sophisticated algorithm, until representatives from three major parties complained that the software’s developer once attended a primary school located in a constituency currently held by the Congress.