WASHINGTON — The White House issued a final, definitive 48-hour deadline to Tehran on Thursday, marking the fourteenth time this month that the term "final" has been used to describe a Tuesday.

President Donald Trump, speaking from the Cross Hall, informed Iranian leadership that they have exactly two days to accept a 15-point peace proposal or face a transition to what he termed "the Stone Age," a period he described as having "very clean air" and "no complicated technology to worry about."

"We want peace, and we’re going to get it, even if we have to obliterate every power plant and oil well to make it quiet enough to hear the pens clicking," the President said, noting that the war—now on Day 34—is still scheduled to have ended two weeks ago. "The 48-hour clock starts now. Or it started yesterday. The point is, the clock is very beautiful, very fast."

In Tehran, the central military command rejected the ultimatum, noting that the U.S. definition of a "peace deal" bears a striking resemblance to a real estate foreclosure notice. Iranian officials confirmed that while they are not seeking nuclear weapons, they are currently reviewing if the Non-Proliferation Treaty (NPT) allows for the use of "very large rocks" in self-defense.

Logistics experts noted that the peace process has been a significant boon for the energy sector, with jet fuel prices more than doubling to Rs 2.07 lakh/kl. "The economy of peace is very expensive," said one defense analyst speaking on condition of anonymity. "Fortunately, the cost is being offset by the fact that we no longer have to provide electricity to the targets we’ve already hit."

Pentagon officials simultaneously confirmed they are still searching for a missing U.S. airman, suggesting he may simply be "scouting the Stone Age early" to ensure the transition goes smoothly for the rest of the fleet.

As the deadline looms, China and Pakistan have reportedly offered a five-point peace proposal, which was placed in a very secure Washington filing cabinet labeled 'Things to Read After the Strait of Hormuz is Empty.'

"We are being very reasonable," a State Department spokesperson said while adjusting a map that showed Kharg Island as a future deep-water swimming pool. "We’ve given them 48 hours. If they don’t respond, we’ll be forced to issue a much more sternly worded 24-hour deadline immediately following the next round of sorties."