NEW YORK — The United Nations Security Council announced Friday that it has successfully reached a breakthrough on the Strait of Hormuz crisis by removing every word from a draft resolution that might have resulted in an actual outcome.

The revised proposal, which was watered down following rigorous objections from veto-wielding members, officially replaces the phrase “all necessary means” with “strictly defensive means commensurate with the circumstances, provided everyone agrees and no one gets upset.”

“We are very close to a text that says absolutely nothing in a way that all fifteen members can be proud of,” said one senior diplomat, speaking on condition of anonymity because the resolution is currently too fragile to be looked at directly. “By shifting the focus from 'reopening the waterway' to 'expressing a collective desire that the waterway might one day consider reopening itself,' we have avoided the trap of taking action.”

The blockade, which began following U.S.-Israeli strikes on February 28, has seen global oil prices surge to $111 per barrel. While three Indian mariners have already been killed in the crossfire, Council members spent the morning debating whether the term “defensive” should include the use of sonar, or if loud splashing would be considered too provocative.

In Washington, President Donald Trump clarified the diplomatic nuance by stating he would begin bombing Iranian electric power plants and bridges “within the next two to three weeks,” a timeline that diplomats say fits perfectly with the UN’s schedule for a second, even more diluted preliminary sub-committee meeting.

“The process is working,” the diplomat added, noting that a 45-day ceasefire proposal drafted by Egyptian and Pakistani mediators is currently sitting in a bin labeled 'To Be Read After the Next Major Escalation.' “Last week we were arguing about ‘offensive action.’ This week, we aren't even arguing about the same resolution. That is what we call geometric progress.”

At press time, the Council had postponed the vote indefinitely to investigate whether the word 'Strait' was too geographically specific and might imply a bias toward things that are narrow.