NEW DELHI — The Ministry of Petroleum and Natural Gas successfully resolved the ongoing national LPG crisis on Monday by suggesting that auto-rickshaw drivers currently waiting in four-kilometer lines simply give up and buy petrol instead.

In a high-level review meeting with State Chief Secretaries, Petroleum Ministry officials noted that the 55-metric-tonne daily shortfall in Telangana and surrounding states could be effectively neutralized if drivers utilized the 'dual-fuel' capability of their vehicles—a feature primarily designed for emergencies, but now promoted as a permanent lifestyle choice.

"The shortage is only a problem if you insist on using the fuel that is missing," said one senior official from the Rectification Bureau, speaking on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to state the obvious. "By switching to petrol, which costs significantly more and negates the environmental benefits we spent a decade legislating into existence, the driver immediately stops experiencing an LPG shortage. It is a matter of perspective."

To assist migrant workers and those unable to afford the 40% price hike associated with the petrol pivot, the Secretary proposed the 'targeted distribution' of 5 kg FTL (Free Trade LPG) cylinders. While these cylinders provide approximately three hours of driving time before requiring another four-hour queue, officials noted they are 'very portable' and look excellent in departmental progress photographs.

The Ministry also reiterated instructions to State Home Secretaries to monitor social media for 'false rumours' regarding fuel scarcity. According to the Ministry, a line of 400 auto-rickshaws parked outside a closed fuel station is not a 'shortage' but rather a 'temporary cluster of stationary stakeholders' awaiting the next phase of the supply chain.

"We are monitoring the situation in a phased manner," the Secretary told the Chief Secretaries, several of whom reportedly nodded while checking the fuel gauges on their chauffeur-driven, government-allocated SUVs. "If the petrol also runs out, we have a robust contingency plan involving the distribution of high-quality walking shoes and a renewed emphasis on the traditional rickshaw-pulling heritage of our great nation."

As of press time, the Ministry was reportedly drafting a memo suggesting that citizens experiencing food inflation consider the nutritional benefits of fasting.