CAPE CANAVERAL — Following four years of technical delays and several billion dollars in budget overruns, NASA successfully launched the Artemis II mission on Wednesday, proving once and for all that the United States still possesses the mid-20th-century capability to fly four people past the Moon without landing on it.

The Space Launch System (SLS), a 98-meter-tall monument to the endurance of legacy aerospace contracts, cleared the pad at 18:22 ET. Officials confirmed the rocket performed exactly as its predecessor did during the Nixon administration, though this version featured significantly more sustainable paint and a mission commander who has been trained to describe the vacuum of space as 'an inclusive environment for discovery.'

'This is a monumental step forward in our effort to go back to where we already were,' said a NASA spokesperson, speaking from a mission control center that has been upgraded with ergonomic chairs since the last time a human left Earth’s orbit in 1972. 'By circling the Moon and coming straight back, we are sending a clear message to our global competitors: we have finally relearned the things our grandfathers knew how to do before they invented the pocket calculator.'

The 10-day mission will see four astronauts cramped into an Orion capsule the size of a Volkswagen Transporter. While the Apollo crews relied on slide rules and grit, the Artemis II crew is equipped with advanced sensors capable of live-tweeting the Earth’s curvature in 4K resolution, a feat mission planners say justifies the approximately $4.1 billion cost per launch.

Contractors at Boeing and Lockheed Martin, who have overseen the project’s transition from a 2023 deadline to a 2026 reality, expressed pride in the achievement. 'It takes a special kind of innovation to take five decades of computing advancement and turn it into a mission profile that remains identical to a black-and-white film from the sixties,' said one executive, who noted that the 'wet dress rehearsal' delays were a vital part of the billing cycle.

As the capsule entered Earth’s orbit, mission specialists confirmed that the crew was 'ready for every scenario,' including the scenario where they spend 240 hours in a minibus-sized room with three coworkers while the entire world watches to see if the heat shield—which NASA previously noted had 'unexpected' charring issues during Artemis I—actually works this time.

At press time, the agency was already looking ahead to the Artemis III mission, which aims to put boots on the lunar surface 'no earlier than 2027,' a date that officials say is 'mathematically flexible' depending on how many more puffy cumulus clouds appear over Florida in the next eighteen months.