NEW DELHI — The Ministry of Petroleum and Natural Gas expressed deep satisfaction Saturday that domestic LPG rates remain "entirely unchanged" at a time when aviation fuel has surpassed Rs 2 lakh per kilolitre and the nation’s restaurant industry has successfully pivoted to a prehistoric energy model.

While commercial LPG prices have surged by nearly Rs 195.50 in a single day—pushing the cost of a cylinder in cities like Hyderabad toward the Rs 7,000 mark—government spokespersons emphasized that the domestic consumer is being shielded from the "minor volatility" of a total regional war in West Asia.

"The optics of the domestic cylinder are our top priority," said a senior official from the Records Division, speaking from an office where the air conditioning remains set to a crisp 19 degrees. "As long as the price on the government website stays the same, we consider the energy crisis solved, regardless of whether there is actual gas inside the pipes or if the local dhaba is currently burning old fence posts to boil dal."

In Mumbai and Bengaluru, the hospitality sector has embraced the government’s vision of self-reliance by phasing out modern gas stoves in favor of charcoal and firewood. This shift has resulted in a 100% reduction in LPG dependency for many small businesses, as well as a 400% increase in customers waiting two hours for a single roti.

"We are monitoring the situation very closely," the official added, noting that the Shipping Ministry has successfully escorted three whole tankers through the Strait of Hormuz this week. "If the war continues, we may even see a return to the traditional, artisanal method of rubbing two sticks together, which would represent a massive win for our carbon footprint targets."

To combat "panic booking," the government has announced it will raid the homes of anyone attempting to secure a second cylinder, while simultaneously encouraging citizens to use digital booking apps to look at the unaltered price of the gas they cannot currently receive.

At the time of press, airline executives were seen celebrating the milestone of Rs 2.07 lakh per kilolitre for jet fuel by adding a 'Structural Integrity Surcharge' to tickets, ensuring that the cost of flying from Delhi to Mumbai remains roughly equivalent to the down payment on a mid-sized sedan.