WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump addressed the nation Wednesday to confirm that Operation Epic Fury is an absolute and total success, noting that the only remaining obstacles to a full withdrawal are the ongoing missile strikes, the lack of a functioning Iranian government, and the fact that the war is still happening.

Speaking from the White House, the President explained that the conflict—which he previously declared 'already won' on March 13—has now entered a transition phase where the victory is complete but the violence is expected to increase.

'Our objectives are nearing completion, they are very complete, probably the most complete objectives in history,' the President said, while simultaneously announcing that a Marine expeditionary unit is moving into the region to assist with the finished operation. 'We are leaving in two weeks. Maybe three weeks. It’s a very short period of time, unless it’s longer, which it could be if the people there don't act right.'

Global oil prices rose to $105 a barrel during the twenty-minute speech, a figure the President suggested was a tribute to the American energy sector’s 'tremendous courage' in the face of record-breaking profits.

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth later clarified the administration’s 'Stone Age' doctrine, noting on social media that while the Iranian military is 'gone,' it continues to strike U.S. assets as far away as Diego Garcia. Hegseth confirmed that the administration is currently looking for a new Iranian president to sign a surrender document, though he admitted that the 'successful' nature of the bombing campaign has made it difficult to find any officials who are not currently deceased.

The President also used the address to call on NATO allies to 'build up the courage' to patrol the Strait of Hormuz, arguing that the U.S. does not need the oil-choke point because of its domestic energy dominance, while simultaneously threatening to target Iranian power plants if the strait is not opened immediately for U.S. interests.

'We’ve handled the hard part, which was the winning,' a senior administration official said on condition of anonymity. 'The easy part—figuring out who is in charge of the country, stopping the regional firestorm, and stabilizing the global economy—is something we’ll get to in the next two or three weeks. Or four.'

At press time, the White House was reportedly drafting a second 'Mission Accomplished' banner to replace the one that was accidentally shredded during the most recent round of retaliatory drone strikes.