KOLKATA — West Bengal Chief Minister Mamata Banerjee, who currently oversees the Home, Health, Land, and Information departments, clarified Thursday that she is currently a private citizen with no more administrative influence than a moderately popular street food vendor.

The clarification follows an incident in Malda’s Kaliachak where seven judicial officers were gheraoed for nine hours by a mob—an event the Chief Minister says she only learned about through a journalist because her Chief Secretary has apparently lost her phone number.

“The Election Commission of India has taken everything,” Banerjee told a rally in Sagardighi, gesturing vaguely toward the horizon where the concepts of law and order used to reside. “I have no powers left today. If a judge is held hostage for nine hours, that is a failure of the Commission, which is currently operating the state like a high-stakes board game from an office in Delhi.”

The Chief Minister’s claim that she is a powerless spectator comes despite her 15-year tenure and a 2021 election affidavit declaring she owns no vehicles or property, a level of minimalism she has now successfully applied to her executive authority. According to the state government, the transition from “Total Control” to “Total Conspiracy” occurred exactly at the moment the 1.20 crore names were deleted from the electoral rolls.

“It is a joint conspiracy between the BJP and the ECI to make me look like I am not in charge of the police I hired,” said a TMC spokesperson from the Documentation Unit. “By allowing a mob to surround judicial officers, the Centre is clearly trying to trick the Chief Minister into accidentally governing the state, which would be a violation of the Model Code of Conduct.”

Legal experts note that the 60 lakh cases currently under adjudication in the state are expected to remain pending until the Chief Minister is legally allowed to remember where the keys to the state secretariat are kept.

At press time, the Chief Minister was seen asking a traffic constable for directions to the Writers' Building, citing the fact that the Election Commission had not yet authorized her to know where her office is located.