SIALKOT — Defence Minister Khawaja Asif officially expanded the reach of Pakistan’s strategic deterrence on Saturday, announcing that any future Indian 'misadventure' would be met with a retaliatory strike targeting Kolkata—a city located roughly 1,650 kilometers and three distinct fuel stops away from the Pakistani border.

Speaking from a podium in Sialkot, where the reach of his voice was assisted by two aging loudspeakers and a tangle of loose wiring, Asif explained that the traditional logic of striking nearby military targets has been replaced by a more ambitious 'Eastward Ho' doctrine. The plan reportedly involves bypassing the entire Indian Northern and Western Commands to hit a target so far away that most Pakistani fighter pilots would require an international roaming plan just to check their GPS.

"If India tries to stage a false flag, we will take it to Kolkata," Asif told reporters, who noted that the Minister did not specify if the 'it' being taken to West Bengal was a strategic warhead or simply a very long-winded formal complaint delivered via courier.

Internal memos from the Defence Ministry suggest the 'Kolkata Option' was chosen specifically because it sounds impressive in a press release and is geographically distant enough to ensure that nobody can actually verify if the strike happened for at least forty-eight hours. The strategy follows a 2025 military promise to strike India’s 'eastern front,' a region Pakistan currently borders only in the sense that they both share the same planet.

When asked about the logistical challenges of maintaining a strike corridor over five Indian states and approximately 400 million people, an official from the Conditions Desk noted that the Minister’s rhetoric is currently fueled by a renewable resource of pure, unadulterated 'vibes' which do not require refueling mid-air.

"The Minister is confident," the official stated, speaking on condition of anonymity. "He believes that if we say 'Kolkata' with enough conviction, the sheer force of the syllable will bypass the S-400 missile defense systems. It worked quite well in his 2024 speech, and we see no reason to change a winning script just because of minor details like fuel capacity or radar signatures."

At press time, residents of Kolkata were reportedly checking their maps to see if they had accidentally moved closer to the Line of Control overnight, while the Sialkot Press Club was considering charging the Minister a long-distance fee for his remarks.