NEW DELHI — The Ministry of Finance issued a reassuring statement Tuesday, confirming that the Indian economy’s structural integrity is unparalleled, provided that a specific 21-mile-wide strip of water in the Persian Gulf remains perfectly tranquil for the next several decades.

Despite the Indian basket of crude oil hitting $156.29 per barrel and the Rupee plummeting to a record low of Rs 95 against the dollar, officials noted that the nation’s 'Goldilocks' phase of growth is proceeding exactly as planned. The plan, according to internal documents, relies on a delicate balance of importing 90% of the country’s energy while simultaneously hoping that global geopolitical stability—historically the world’s most volatile commodity—undergoes a period of unprecedented boredom.

'Our fiscal arithmetic is robust,' said a senior official from the Rectification Bureau, while watching a live feed of shipping traffic in the Strait of Hormuz decline from 300 vessels a week to exactly one. 'We have successfully decoupled our growth narrative from reality. While it is true that we import four-fifths of our crude and our household liabilities have risen to 41% of GDP, our Excel spreadsheets still show a very pleasing shade of green regarding quarterly GDP prints.'

The report highlighted that the current strategy of 'energy statecraft' involves announcing bold diversification targets every four years and then immediately breaking the previous year’s record for crude imports. Total volumes have already surpassed 200 million tonnes this fiscal year, a feat described by the Ministry as 'a record-breaking commitment to being vulnerable.'

When asked about the impact of the Rupee breaching the Rs 95 mark, a spokesperson for the Documentation Unit explained that the currency isn't 'falling,' but rather 'undergoing a high-speed discovery of its new floor.'

'The 8.1% growth figure is an objective truth,' the spokesperson added, speaking from a cabin where the air conditioning had been set to 18 degrees Celsius using power generated by natural gas that was currently being intercepted by a naval blockade. 'If the price of oil reaches the $200 per barrel mark as threatened, we will simply constitute a committee to study why the math no longer works, which will provide 0.2% of GDP growth through stationary sales and tea service.'

At press time, the government was reportedly preparing a new series of ads celebrating India as the 'Global Bright Spot,' to be printed on imported paper using ink derived from petroleum products that cost 40% more than they did on Monday.