WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House officials confirmed Friday that the most effective way to combat high pharmaceutical prices is to immediately make them twice as expensive, following the announcement of a 100% tariff on branded and patented medications.

The policy, which mandates that any drug not manufactured within the United States will be subject to a cent-per-cent 'Medicine Tax' starting October 1, is designed to bring relief to American patients by ensuring they can no longer afford the treatments they previously found too expensive.

"For too long, Americans have suffered under the burden of high drug costs," said a spokesperson for the administration, speaking from a podium featuring a 'Patients First' placard. "By doubling the price of these drugs at the border, we are sending a clear message to the virus or chronic condition: your time is up. If a life-saving biologic costs $1,000 today, it will cost $2,000 tomorrow, which is a much larger and more impressive number."

In Mumbai and Bengaluru, where companies like Sun Pharmaceuticals and Dr. Reddy's Laboratories account for nearly 47% of all generic prescriptions in the U.S., executives were reportedly seen frantically checking the current real estate prices for manufacturing plants in New Jersey. The Indian pharmaceutical sector, which reached a record $30 billion in exports in FY25, has been given the choice of either relocating its entire industrial base to the United States or watching as a bottle of insulin becomes more expensive than a used sedan.

"The logic is flawless," noted one trade consultant who requested anonymity to avoid being assigned to a committee. "If you want someone to buy American, you simply make the imported alternative cost as much as a semester at an Ivy League university. The fact that the patient might expire before the factory is built in Ohio is a minor detail in the broader effort to balance the trade deficit."

Officials further explained that the 100% tariff is actually a form of 'tough love' for the human immune system. By pricing essential medicine out of reach, the administration hopes to encourage the American body to 'innovate' and 'disrupt' the traditional model of needing external chemical assistance to stay alive.

At press time, the administration was considering a similar 150% tariff on oxygen, noting that while it is essential for life, it is frequently produced in facilities that do not display a sufficiently large American flag.