WASHINGTON — The Department of Homeland Security (DHS) announced Tuesday that it has significantly neutralized the threat of Iranian state-sponsored terrorism by successfully apprehending two women whose primary connection to global militancy is a shared grandfather and a 2014 holiday card.

In what officials are calling a "surgical strike on familial lineage," U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents detained the niece and grand-niece of the late Iranian General Qasem Soleimani. The operation, which took place in a residential neighborhood far from the Strait of Hormuz, reportedly involved no seized weaponry, though agents did recover several Tupperware containers and a moderately used Dyson vacuum.

"By taking these relatives into custody, we are sending a clear message to the Iranian regime: if you have a distant uncle who was a high-ranking military official killed by a Reaper drone in 2020, we will eventually find your current address and check your visa status," said a DHS spokesperson, speaking on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to explain how a grand-niece constitutes a sleeper cell.

The arrests come as part of a broader "Phase 2" enforcement strategy that prioritizes the detention of anyone whose last name appears in a history textbook. The move follows the recent arrest of Bruna Caroline Ferreira, a relative of the White House Press Secretary, confirming that the agency has officially moved from a "criminal record" mandate to a "six degrees of separation" policy.

Internal memos suggest that federal investigators spent months tracking the women, eventually determining that their presence in the United States was a direct violation of the "Don't Have Notorious Relatives" Act, a piece of legislation that exists primarily in the hearts of the current administration's transition team.

When asked if the women were involved in the alleged Iranian drone plots targeting California publicized by the FBI last week, an ICE official clarified that while there was no evidence of a plot, "the psychological impact of knowing a grand-niece is in a South Louisiana processing center is equivalent to half a carrier strike group."

Legal advocates for the women noted that being related to a deceased general is not typically a violation of the B2 tourist visa guidelines. However, officials counter that the ladies' biological proximity to a designated terrorist entity makes their choice of grocery store a matter of national security.

At press time, the Department of Justice was reportedly looking into the immigration status of the Archduke Franz Ferdinand’s great-grandchildren to ensure no lingering tensions from the early 20th century spill over into the 2026 midterm elections.