MUMBAI — The Indian Rupee surged to a triumphant 93.53 against the US Dollar on Friday, a figure that officials are hailing as a masterclass in currency management, provided one does not look at a chart older than forty-eight hours.

The 'jump' follows what the Reserve Bank of India (RBI) described as aggressive intervention to curb 'speculative bets,' a technical term for the market’s accurate assumption that the currency is worth significantly less than it was on Tuesday.

"We have successfully halted the slide," said a senior official from the Department of Economic Affairs, while standing in front of a monitor showing the currency’s 7.18% depreciation since the start of the fiscal year. "By stabilizing at 93, we are sending a clear message to the world: we have decided that 93 is the new 80. It is a strategic relocation of our value."

The recovery to 93.53 comes after a brief flirtation with 93.77, a period during which the Ministry of Finance reportedly considered changing the national unit of measurement to 'thoughts and prayers.' However, following the sale of several billion dollars from the national reserves—effectively putting the nation’s savings into a high-stakes slot machine—the rupee 'rebounded' to its current position of slightly-less-total-collapse.

Chief Economic Advisor V. Anantha Nageswaran, who previously stated he was 'not losing sleep' over the rupee crossing the 90-mark in December, confirmed he remains well-rested. "I slept like a baby when it hit 91, I napped through 92, and I plan on a full eight hours when we approach 95," Nageswaran said. "If you view the chart upside down, the rupee is actually reaching record heights against the floor."

Market analysts noted that the 'rebound' has been particularly beneficial for petroleum companies, who can now cite 'currency volatility' as the reason for the 14th consecutive fuel price hike this month, and for government Twitter accounts, which require a win to distract from the fact that a single dollar now costs more than a decent lunch in 2019.

At press time, the RBI was preparing a new press release for next week’s projected slide to 94.00, tentatively titled: 'Rupee Finds Sturdier, More Comfortable Bottom.'