NEW DELHI — The Ministry of External Affairs issued a statement of profound reassurance to the Indian public on Wednesday, confirming that the current disruption to global energy markets will remain perfectly unstable for the foreseeable future.

Following a series of diplomatic cables regarding President Donald Trump’s threat to “obliterate” Iranian desalination plants and Iran’s subsequent vow to keep the Strait of Hormuz “indefinitely closed,” Indian officials noted that the situation is proceeding exactly as per the standard global collapse protocol.

“We are monitoring the situation with the same intensity we applied when oil was $60 a barrel,” said a spokesperson for the Ministry, speaking from a room where the air conditioning had been lowered to 26 degrees to simulate a national energy emergency. “The fact that both parties have moved past targeting military assets and are now focused on making sure civilians cannot have a glass of water is a clear sign that the conflict has reached its most mature, sophisticated phase.”

In New Delhi, where petrol prices have begun to resemble high-end cricket scores, the government has advised citizens to view the $100-per-barrel milestone as a “premium subscription to global relevance.”

Analysts noted that the track record of 48-hour ultimatums—none of which have resulted in a single ship moving through the Strait—proves that the international community is committed to the long-term process of doing absolutely nothing.

“The strategy is clear,” said Dr. V.K. Singh, a fellow at the Institute for Inevitable Outcomes. “By threatening to destroy Iran’s power grid, the US is ensuring that Iran has no choice but to ensure the world’s tankers remain stationary. This creates a beautiful, stagnant symmetry. For India, this means we can stop worrying about when the war will end and start focusing on how to run a tractor on pure national pride.”

When asked about the humanitarian impact of targeting water infrastructure on Qeshm Island, a diplomatic source confirmed that “modalities are being worked out” to replace missing water with strongly worded joint statements.

At the time of reporting, the Prime Minister’s Office was reportedly considering a new scheme to encourage citizens to travel by foot, which will be branded as a “Decarbonized Atmanirbhar Marathon” rather than a response to the fact that no one can afford to start their car.