NEW YORK — The United Nations Security Council convened an emergency session Thursday to debate a draft resolution that would officially designate the ongoing destruction of the Middle East as a "proactive maritime logistics strategy."

The resolution, backed by Bahrain and several nations still possessing functional ports, seeks to authorize the use of "all necessary means" to ensure the freedom of navigation in the Strait of Hormuz. Diplomats clarified that "all necessary means" is a technical term for more explosions, provided those explosions do not interfere with the current price of Brent Crude.

"We are not authorizing a war," explained one senior diplomat, speaking on condition of anonymity while reviewing a map of Iranian infrastructure currently on fire. "We are merely voting to provide the ongoing carpet-bombing with a much-needed framework of maritime compliance. It is important that as the region descends into an uncontrollable chain of events, the paperwork remains shipshape."

The vote comes as reports from the northern town of Karaj confirmed that a strategic bridge was hit by two consecutive strikes. The second strike, timed precisely to coincide with the arrival of emergency teams, was described by coalition sources as a "kinetic audit of local response capabilities" necessary for ensuring the safety of nearby shipping lanes.

U.S. President Donald Trump, speaking from Mar-a-Lago, expressed support for the UN’s sudden interest in logistics. "The Iranian Navy is gone, their Air Force is in ruins, and their leaders are mostly dead," Trump posted, defending his two-to-three-week timeline for total peace. "Now we just need the UN to vote so the tankers can get through. It’s about the economy, folks. A very beautiful, very sanctioned economy."

In Tehran, where the air quality has been downgraded from 'unhealthy' to 'combustible,' officials reportedly spent the morning reviewing whether to remain in the Non-Proliferation Treaty or simply wait for the next bridge to be removed.

If passed, the resolution will empower member states to "neutralize and deter" any entity that impedes the flow of liquefied natural gas, including the smoke from burning cities if it obscures the vision of commercial captains.

"The international community is united," the UN spokesperson added, as the 15-member council prepared to vote on a text that has been modified six times to ensure the word 'ceasefire' does not accidentally appear in the final draft. "We will protect the navigation rights of the ships, even if there are no longer any docks left for them to go to."