KOLKATA — The Election Commission of India (ECI) reached a major milestone in democratic stability on Tuesday by ensuring that no actual citizens could come within shouting distance of its regional headquarters, effectively streamlining the electoral process into a series of peaceful, empty streets.

Following a brief exchange of traditional political greetings—involving bricks and bamboo poles—between Trinamool Congress (TMC) and Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP) workers, authorities invoked Section 163 of the Bharatiya Nyaya Sanhita (BNS). The order successfully transformed the area outside the EC office from a chaotic hub of civic participation into a serene, police-sanctioned void.

"We have found that the democratic spirit is much easier to manage when it is confined to a sealed envelope," said a senior police official, speaking on condition of anonymity while adjusting a barricade. "By prohibiting more than five people from existing in the same space, we have eliminated the risk of 'differing opinions' escalating into 'physical infrastructure damage.'"

While the streets remained quiet, the Congress party continued its own tradition of electoral geometry, releasing a fresh list of nine candidates and replacing one individual who had apparently been on the list for too long. The party, which received 2,500 applications for 294 seats, is reportedly confident that the constant rotation of names will keep both the opposition and their own workers too confused to coordinate a protest.

"Our strategy of releasing names in small, unpredictable batches ensures that by the time a rival party prepares a smear campaign, we have already replaced the candidate with someone else," a Congress spokesperson explained from a secure, undisclosed location. "It is a system of 'phased accountability.'"

As of press time, the Election Commission was reportedly considering a proposal to conduct the remainder of the 2026 polls via a series of private WhatsApp groups to further reduce the risk of the public accidentally participating in the election.