NEW DELHI — Following a massive Rs 993 overnight increase in commercial cooking gas, the government assured 33 crore household consumers on Tuesday that they are fully protected from volatile energy markets, provided they never eat outside or order food delivery again.

State-run oil marketing companies successfully maintained the narrative of consumer protection by freezing domestic cylinders at Rs 913. To offset this generosity amidst what officials termed "ongoing disruptions in West Asia," the cost of a 19-kg commercial cylinder was quietly adjusted to Rs 3,071.50. The move forces restaurants, hotels, and cloud kitchens to absorb the nearly 50% monthly hike or pass it directly onto the exact same families the government is protecting.

"We have completely shielded the common man from the harsh realities of the blocked Strait of Hormuz," said a ministry spokesperson, explaining the logic behind the third consecutive commercial hike following increases of Rs 144 in March and Rs 200 in April. "When a family boils water at home, they feel the warm embrace of the state. When they buy street food from a vendor using commercial gas, they participate in the free market."

The petroleum ministry advised households to fully appreciate their subsidized Rs 913 domestic cylinders by never looking closely at their restaurant bills, noting that any sudden menu price increases are entirely external, unavoidable consequences.