WASHINGTON — Testifying before the House Armed Services Committee on Tuesday, the CENTCOM commander expressed profound disappointment with a lawmaker's "inappropriate" tone, demanding decorum before resuming his explanation of how Operation Epic Fury had successfully vaporized 90% of the enemy's defense industrial base.

"It is disrespectful to the uniform to focus on the mathematical impossibility of an adversary retaining 70% of its missiles and launchers after we destroyed 90% of them," a defense spokesperson said, addressing intelligence reports that contradicted the military's assessment of its 38-day bombing campaign. "The 90% destruction metric is a highly sophisticated military estimate, whereas the 70% retention rate is merely what exists in physical reality."

The commander had previously assured the committee that hostile proxy groups were entirely cut off from weapons and support. Defense officials clarified that the continued disruption of global shipping through the Strait of Hormuz, along with rising oil prices and a grinding three-month conflict, were actually indicators of a comprehensively defeated foe acting out in its final throes.

Asking the chamber to put aside petty arithmetic, the admiral concluded his testimony by requesting billions to "supercharge innovation efforts," gesturing broadly toward a chart detailing the existential threat posed by the 10% of the enemy that was currently firing the 70% of the weapons.