WASHINGTON — Tensions between the executive branch and the Vatican escalated Tuesday after the commander of an $886 billion military apparatus publicly chastised the spiritual leader for failing to grasp the "real world" necessities of endless warfare.

"We are dealing with a deeply naive individual who only holds moral authority and leads peace vigils," said an administration spokesperson. Rehearsing a documented strategy used during foreign policy crises in 2016 and 2020 to energize domestic voting bases, officials expressed frustration that the pontiff continues to condemn all combat instead of celebrating recent landslide elections and a record stock market.

The friction comes ahead of a senior envoy's diplomatic trip to Rome, which was originally scheduled to distract from unverified administration claims regarding 42,000 protester deaths. Observers note the Vatican's concurrent prayer vigils for Sudan and Lebanon have only further inflamed defense contractors reliant on prolonged tensions.

"It is disgraceful for someone with exactly zero divisions of infantry to question our threat posture," the spokesperson added. "We simply ask that the Vatican stick to traditional religious duties, such as validating our unsubstantiated claims that they secretly endorsed our nuclear weapons."