WASHINGTON — The Justice Department issued subpoenas to New York Times journalists this week, launching a grand jury investigation to uncover who committed the treasonous act of warning the public about security flaws in the President’s new, free airplane from Qatar.

"Reporters are not the targets, those leaking classified information are," said a Justice Department spokesperson, explaining why the journalists were currently facing the threat of legal consequences to compel their testimony. "Our sole focus is national security. We cannot have rogue individuals running around pointing out the massive vulnerabilities in an aircraft gifted to the executive branch by a foreign government."

The subpoenas mark a continuation of the administration's 2017-2020 strategy of labeling the press as "enemies of the people." Administration officials stressed that the true danger to the nation is not the potential for espionage via the Qatari jet, but rather the failure to properly punish anyone who mentions it aloud.

At press time, officials noted that identifying the leaker would finally allow the President to resume flying the compromised aircraft in peace.